I'm pregnant. What's your excuse for being rude and insensitive?

Yesterday I took your brothers for a much needed haircut. Tyler had been sweating profusely during basketball camp and Bryson's hair began to form curls that closely resembled devil horns. After seeing our favorite barber Joe, I decided I was looking about as shaggy as our chicken bone-eating Cocker Spaniel (I'll get to those shenanigans in the next post) and needed to update my style as well. So I waited my turn for Lucy, a sassy Dominican hairstylist, who often has a long line of clients requesting her services. I was fit in between two women who were lathered up with various shades of brown hair dye. I knew it would take all of 15 minutes for her to greet me, catch up on the family, and give me a cute trim. She is not only one of the few people I trust with my hair, in an all Caucasian mall salon, but she only charges me $15.

As I approached her she immediately looked down at my visibly large belly and said "Wow it HAS been a long time since I've seen you". I chuckled because in truth I hadn't had my hair cut in at least 8 months, possibly more, so her surprise was definitely warranted. As I sat down in the chair, she draped the generic black smock over me and asked, "How far along are you?". I answered 5 months ( technically I am in the middle of my 5th month since pregnancy lasts 40 weeks and each month is longer then 4 weeks) but I didn't need to be that exact. She then proceeded to make the boisterous observation, "Wow you are SO BIG for 5 months, you must be having a big baby! There might even be two!" Huh...what...how dare....but I'm not.... was the flurry of word diarrhea that tried to escape my lips. WHY? WHY oh why do people, without a medical degree, feel that they can or should make amateur judgments on the size MY pregnant stomach. If someone were audacious enough to ask how much I weigh, and I told them 180 lbs, would it then be OK for them to say,"Oh no you must be at least 192". WTF!

I know it was an innocent and harmless passing comment, but it irks me that relative strangers deem it socially acceptable to speak on the various developments of something that is so personal and individual. Don't get me wrong I am certainly looking like I am hiding a soccer ball under my shirt, but the rest of me is the same size I was pre-pregnancy. I eat pretty well, and running around behind a your messy 4 year old brother has created built-in exercise. I've only gained 10 POUNDS for heavens sake!You wanna see big? Check me out a week before I delivered your brother Bryson, I was a HEFFER!!!

9 Months Pregnant With Bryson

Here is a great list of things you should be tarred and feathered for saying to a woman growing another human being:

1) Any and all comments about how big she is.
2) "Can I touch your belly?"
3) "Oh my God, you're having another baby?"
4) Any and all unsolicited advice about baby names.
5) "Are you going to get him circumcised?"
6) "You're not going to eat that, are you?"
7) "Did you use fertility drugs?"
8) "Was this an oops?"
9) "So do you have hemorrhoids? Mine were just awful."
10)"So this is your first? Oh my God, with my first, I had horrible back labor for THIRTY hours, and then I needed a C-section and was in pain for WEEKS and the baby didn't sleep through the night until she was two years old..."

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Content With My Size in Boyland,

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Stress, Dehydration, and Contractions Oh My!

Today was my third prenatal visit, and I must say I was a little nervous. Since the beginning of this pregnancy with you I have seen the same wonderful midwife that delivered Bryson. Her calm soothing spirit was so amazing during labor, you would have thought I was at a luxurious day spa, not about to push out a watermelon-sized human being. I was so impressed by her level of care I was hesitant to make an appointment with anyone else. But Suzanne was all booked up today, so I had my first visit with Julie. To my surprise Julie was actually more thorough and just as attentive as Suzanne. After my ultrasound she went through our family history again, checked the your heart rate, and gave me some tips about how to minimize the Braxton-Hicks contractions I've been having. She said that with each pregnancy they can increase, but are often a warning sign of too much stress or not enough fluids.  I have no job, two rambunctious boys, and only a glimmer of a social life; I don't know how I could be stressed. 

Well at least she said that all is well in the growth department. You are now 19 weeks 3 days old and weigh about 12 oz. You have begun to practice breathing and swallowing on a regular basis, and I can now see you squirming around, as opposed to just feeling you move. I know you might think it's silly but I made the ultrasound technician double check to make sure you still had a penis. Don't worry your manhood is still intact. You really are taking miraculous shape; this time I was able to see a clear profile picture of your face, and could even make out little lips and  eyes. At one point you even raised your arm, as if  waving to me. Even though Tyler is just excited that Bryson will soon learn the annoyance of having a little brother, and Bryson can't wait to boss someone else around, just know they love you. I can't wait until we all get to meet you little one. 

Check you out, I think you look like me already!

And now to reveal my full on baby bump! There's no denying it now!

Hopelessly Smitten in Boyland,

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Rainy Day? Check. Stuck inside with crazy kids? Check. Swifty kicking myself to get motivated? Questionable.

Your Momma has been totally good for nothing the past few weeks. I think I left my brain in Montauk on the beach, because I can barely form coherent sentences right now that don't consist of "Stop hitting your brother!" or "No I don't want to play 'Star Wars: Battlefront'!" This weather is not helping matters at all. I remember saying last week how I wished it would just rain so I could get some relief from this wretched heat. Next time, I'll just suck it up. While it has cooled off substantially in the the Northeast, my activities have been limited to an endless loop of Disney channel shows, Harry Potter movies, and various video games. At least Bryson has taken a break from Star Wars. His new obsession...casting Hogwarts spells like "Aloha Moron" and "Incendio!". It's entertaining until you realize he is greeting you as a idiot and trying to set you on fire.

I must say your brother Ty has been a lifesaver. He keeps Bryson from hovering at my side and allows me to shower in peace. I can't wait until you get here...I'll be able to send Bryson on a million errands to fetch baby diapers, bottles and the like. He will be my own personal slave, oh yes he will. Mu Ha Ha!! (That was my evil mommy voice, don't worry you'll get used to it).

I'm now almost 19 weeks prego with you, which means I'm quickly approaching the half-way point. I felt the first little flutters of movement two weeks ago, followed by Braxton-Hicks contractions and a un-lady-like amount of gas. Your now about the size of a bell pepper. I've finally "popped" as your brother Ty says. Which means people finally realize I'm pregnant, and didn't just have a big lunch. It's a great feeling.

I've gotten over the fact that I will be forever in Boyland. I really blame myself. You see when I got the idea for this blog I wanted it to be a giant letter to the Universe on how much I wanted to have a baby girl this time around. I read articles, did research, and used every method possible to sway the result in my favor. I now realize I made one fatal error...I named my blog MOMS IN BOYLAND!!!!! What flippin dope I am! What better way could I make the statement that I want to have ANOTHER boy ! Ohh curse you Universe and your ironic sense of humor! How dare you give me EXACTLY what I asked for...hmph! I should have named this blog: Moms who desperately want girls, their own tv show,  and a brownie sundae.

What are you asking the Universe for?

Manifesting from Boyland,

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