Words You NEVER Want Your Child to Say

I consider myself a pretty progressive and forward-thinking parent. The lines of communication are always open in my home. My boys know they can talk to mom about anything; whether it be bodily changes, girls, or the dreaded 3-letter-word. Most people I talk to say they have a lot of anxiety about having the sex talk with their kids. My approach has always been keep it age appropriate and only answer the questions they are asking. That way they don't get information overload or have to think about things outside their realm of comprehension.

My son Tyler (who will be 12 next week) and I have spoken about hair growing in various places, why his penis often salutes him in the morning (and yes we call it a penis, not a wee wee, or some other ridiculous word), and even his first relationship that lasted all of 4 days. Not to toot my own horn, but I consider myself a pro when handing these matters. There's no topic I can't handle! Yeah I'm about to EAT those words.

Tonight my mother-in-law invited us to dinner. This makes me happy for three reasons: 1) I don't have to cook 2) I get to see my BFF who rents the apt downstairs from my mom-in-law and 3) I don't have to cook. The boys and I usually stop by to see "The Vickster", as we call her, and she and I catch up on our weekly gossip. On the way over to her house Ty asked me if I knew that the rapper Nicki Minaj's last name meant "threesome". I quickly and awkwardly explained that "Minaj" or "menage" actually means group (thank you 8th grade English). Of course his next question was "Then what does "menage e trois" mean?" If you think these are the words I was dreading, you are wrong.....it gets SO much worse. I told him I would tell him later, since his 4 year old brother was in the car with us.

So back at Vickster's apartment, Bryson had gone upstairs, and Tyler posed his question once again. This time I told him it had to do with three people doing "you know what" (yea not my finest hour). Then he said something that sent chills up my spine. It went a little something like this...

Tyler: "By the way mom, I think I heard something one night ."

Me: "What do you think you heard?" (Please don't say what I think you are going to say)

Tyler: "Well one night I woke up around 10 o'clock" (Oh no) "And I thought Bryson was making noise" (Oh please God NO!) "So I went into his room to check on him but he was asleep. I  heard the noise coming from your room." (Oh sweet Jesus!)

Me: (With a lump in my throat watching Vickster hold back laughter) "You probably heard me and dad tickling each other" (That was totally lame!)

And then the words NO parent wants to hear!

Tyler: "I don't think 'OHHH UHHH' sounds like tickling!

Just fucking shoot me.

Caught in the Act in Boyland,

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"Well the weather outside is....weather"

If you live on the east coast like I do, you are probably cursing the gods for the ridiculous amount of snow we got hit with yesterday. If you are one of those people who thinks snow "looks so pretty" you can come over to my house and I'll give you a shovel. Anticipating that this nor'easter would cause apocalyptic blackouts in my town, my family and I headed down the road to spend the night at my sister-in-laws. Her apartment building is equipped with a generator and hadn't lost power in 10 years, where as our house has lost electricity at least 5 times in 2 1/2 years. That means no heat, no hot water, and no lights. We were determined to be pro active, so we loaded up the kids (with their various Christmas toys), dropped the dog off to my mom-in-laws, and were on our way.

We got to her apartment just as the roads were getting dicey. The wind was blowing something fierce, it sounded like the walls might blow off the building. But, we were safe and warm with plenty of food and movies to tide us over. We had beaten this stupid storm, HAHA take that blizzard!

Then out of nowhere the lights flickered and dimmed to an eerie glow. Down the street a transformer blew like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July, which caused the generator to kick in. Thank goodness we thought to come here. We would have been stuck.....oh fuck there go the lights. What the hell! 10 years my ass!! At least we had a buttload of Yankee Candles, a bottle of Pino Grigio, and a fully charged DS for the boys. It actually wasn't so bad, I got to snuggle with my boys to keep warm and once the video game lost juice we got to sit around and actually talk to each other. Plus baby Nolan (who is already a month old) slept through the whole thing!

It was 3 hours before we were able to emerge from the darkness. In the morning I got to wake up to this view, I guess snow isn't so bad after all.

Oh and when we got home last night we found out that we never lost power, but had over a foot of snow in our driveway to shovel. So much for planning ahead.

Walking in a Winter Boyland,

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Ridiculous Things Boys Do # 187

Pull down the pants of the little girl mannequin at Old Navy to look at her booty.

Don't they make a cute couple?

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Makin' News Monday: WTF, Santa Robbed Me!?

I know a lot of crazy things tend to happen around the holidays. People get trampled while trying to purchase the latest gaming system, families break out into fights over the last piece of pumpkin pie, and kids nearly go cross-eyed from the barrage of Christmas toy ads on t.v. Maybe the impending lunar eclipse coinciding with the winter solstice has caused massive amounts of people to lose their freakin minds. What other explanation is there for whats makin news?

'Santa Claus' robs Rhode Island yacht club bar

Oh no! Santa has been hit by the recession too! Who knew the big man in red would be so hard up for cash he had to disturb the patrons of a Rhode Island yacht club just to put food on his little elves plates? According to the Boston Globe "a large man wearing a red suit, red hat, white beard and carrying a sack walked into the (club) bar and brandished a gun". By the time the police arrived Santa had escaped on his sleigh with an undetermined amount of cash. (Ok the sleigh details are a bit foggy) I know times are tough, but really? Have we really reached such a low point that the symbol of the holidays, and all that is merry, is used to hold up bars? What is the world coming to?

11-million-dollar Christmas tree runs into trouble

The title of this article really captures the true essence of this joyous season, its all about the BLING! A luxury hotel in Abu Dhabi is boasting a tree with enough diamonds, pearls and emeralds to feed a small country. The faux evergreen is the most expensive Christmas tree in history. Doesn't that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? The spokesperson for the hotel wants you know that the jewels are only on loan, and they will be promptly placed in the stockings of underprivileged children on Christmas Eve! Hurray! If YOU want to take a holiday trip to the resort you can have a week long stay for a measly million. 

Heathrow travelers tell Christmas tales of woe

What says Christmas like eggnog, hot cocoa, festive lights and some angry travelers being stuck in an airport. Passengers at Heathrow International airport have been stuck in the terminal for days due to snow and ice. The airport was closed over the weekend which caused many to be stranded with little to no information from the airlines. When trying to rebook her flight to NY one mom spent over 2 hours one the phone, only to be hung up on.

It's amazing to me that when we are supposed to be feeling more connected, thankful, and giving then any other time of year so much bullshit can still go on. I refuse to let it ruin all that I'm grateful for, Merry Christmas Bitches!

What are you doing to make this holiday great?

Peace & Love from Boyland,

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Kid #1 Vs. Kid #3: Giving up on Perfection

I have read my fair share of new mommy blogs. They are usually filled with elated anticipation, perfect planning, and crafty cute baby clothes. They also sometimes cause me to vomit in my mouth, just a little bit. These women are so filled with joy by every poopy diaper and gassy burp. It's hard to explain to them that with the addition of each new child these fantastic stories of mommy bliss will be replaced with something far less magical...reality. In an attempt to prepare those sweet idealistic ladies I've composed a list of ways my approach to parenting has changed since owning...I mean being blessed with another child. Don't judge, this will be you one day.

Kid #1: During night time feedings you are alert and promptly burp your baby when he's done.
#3: You slap a boob (or bottle) in his mouth and promptly fall back asleep.

Kid #1: Baths are given every night with specific times and routines.
#3: Running through the sprinkler or dipping them in a pool is sufficient for a day...or two.

Kid #1: You change their diaper each time they are wet or stinky.
#3: You change their diaper when they tell you "Mom I smell like shit!"

Kid #1: You patiently explain to your child why they are being reprimanded and think of a fair punishment.
#3: You give them the look of death before threatening to cancel Christmas and throwing out all their toys.

Kid #1: Everything that goes in their mouth is sterilized.
#3: Your spit and a quick wipe on your shirt is all the sterilizer you need.

Kid #1: Won't be in someone elses care until you go back to work.
#3: You'll let the delivery man watch them if it allows you to take an uninterrupted shower.

Kid #1: Gets wet P.J.'s replaced with fresh new clean ones each time.
#3: You pray a strong gust of wind blows that sucker dry so you won't have to do more laundry.

Kid #1: Must ALWAYS to go potty in a properly cleaned bathroom.
#3: Bushes, trees, and public beaches are good enough.

What idea of perfection have you given up on?

Striving for mediocrity from Boyland,

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Happy Holidays and all that shiny stuff.

Hey all, I meant to post this yesterday, but fell asleep while editing it. Momma needed a NAP! Anyway it's just a quick update since I haven't posted a vlog in awhile. Enjoy!


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Love Means No Sleep and Sore Nipples

I wish I was referring to earth-shaking sexapades between me and my husband, but it's only been 10 days since I giving birth, so he ain't getting any just yet. I can't believe how the last few days have flown by, no more wondering what little Nolan is going to look like. Check out my home birth story , part 1, here if you missed it! Aside from using 50 diapers in the first 5 days, not sleeping more then 2 hours at a pop, and projectile poop it's been a magical first week. My older boys are so in love with their new brother. Bryson constantly wants to hold Nolan and Tyler can't help kissing him each time he walks by. Brian and I are just so smitten with this little one. It's such a special experience to look down at him and see that we created this precious life together. There's a lot of love in this house.

Now on to the real deal. This kid a never-ending eating MACHINE! When he is not off in dreamland, his mouth is trying to suck everything from shoulder to my face. During the day this is fine, but I forgot how draining it can be at 3am when you feel like your nipple is going to fall off from the vice grip suction. The "girls" are not used to this much action. On top of the late-night feeding, Brian has been sick for the last few days, which has meant he has gone from being a doting post-partum husband, to a whiny 4th child (sorry honey). This kid wakes up like clockwork (Nolan not Brian). I don't think it helps that he has been sleeping in the bed with us, but I must admit, even after having my 3rd child I still get nervous and want to make sure he's still breathing. So even though he has a lovely bassinet to sleep in, as soon as he makes a peep I scoop him back up into bed with us. This sleeping practice is now known as "the family bed", which I think can be dangerous if they are older and still sleeping with you. We went through it for a while with Bryson because we were monitoring his allergic skin, but I vowed next time we would keep our bed to ourselves. His dermatologist even told me that kids sleeping in bed with you can lead to marital issues. Cock-blocking kids are never a good thing. But was Nolan in our bed last night? Yes. Am I a total hypocrite? Absolutely. Do I care? Not really.

Do you let your kids sleep in bed with you?

In Need of a Nap From Boyland,

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Introducing Nolan Steele Walsh (Part 2)

Sorry it's taken me an extra day to post this. Being the mom of three is not something I have adjusted to yet. Thankfully my lovely husband has been off all week and has taken good care of me. But today I was alone with just the baby and Bryson for about 3 hours and I was lucky enough to be able to brush my teeth and make some toaster waffles....but I digress. Now on with my delivery adventure, part 2! (Check out Part 1 if you haven't already).

So after grabbing my exercise ball, I headed up the stairs and to my surprise I felt a slight gush between my legs. (I know this might border on over sharing, but there's no way around it!) It wasn't a watery gush like amniotic fluid, but more of a hmmm...bloody one. SORRY! I'm just stating the facts. Any who, I knew at that moment I had lost my mucus plug, which for some women can happen weeks before they deliver, and some women have never seen it. I fall into the latter category. Right then I went to the bathroom to confirm my suspicions. Oh yeah this was it! After cleaning myself up I calmly went back into my room where my husband was sound asleep. I softly tapped him and called his name 3 times. You would have thought I used a bull horn and told him that the bed was on fire! He shot straight up with that look in his eyes like "Oh shit what’s happening!" I told him I was ok, but I was bleeding and needed to call Jenna.

This time I knew it was no false alarm, but again Jenna was not so convinced. She asked what was happening, how I felt, and said that this was probably just the beginning stages of labor. (Oh it felt so good later when she was eating those words!) I said to her I had never lost my mucus plug before (mucus is such a gross word) and I knew after the hours of contractions that it was time. She sounded skeptical. She then suggested that I wait a half an hour and call her back to see if I still felt the same way. That's when my instincts kicked in and I told her that she needed to get here NOW!

A few minutes later I called my mom so she could start her hour long drive to my house. I had also planned for my good friend Dee to take part in the birth. We had been talking for months about it, and she was part of the reason I decided to do a home birth. But I waited to call her, figuring we had some time. I went back to bed and that’s when things really stared to pick up. The contractions got increasingly more painful, but thankfully they were only lasting about 30 seconds. I laid on my bed, sat on my ball, and tried to keep my breathing under control. Meanwhile Brian began filling up the birthing tub using our bathroom shower and the hose it came with. *Just a side note if you are using a tub make sure you have figured out how to fill it BEFORE going into labor* About 45 minutes later Jenna arrived.

When she walked in I wasn't even able to say hello. I was stretched out, on my bed, when she checked to see how far along I was. 7 FREAKIN CENTIMETERS! TAKE THAT JENNA, HA! The look of shock on her face was all the validation I needed. At that point everything started moving rather quickly. Jenna was coming in and out with loads of equipment, my hubby was STILL filling the tub, and I was just trying to focus. Brian also called Suzanne, the midwife who delivered Bryson in the birthing center. She only lived 10 minutes down the road and came for moral support since her practice doesn't do home births.

It was now quarter after 1 and I was ready to get in that tub! Normally I'm not the kind of girl who would go skinny dipping with friends or walk around naked in front of anyone but my husband. I had planned on wearing a bikini top in the water so I wouldn't feel so exposed. Well all that shit went right out the window! I threw my nightgown off so fast you would have thought I looked like Halle Berry under there! Oh how that water felt good! The warmth and buoyancy definitely took some of the pressure off. I sat for a while, but still wasn't quite comfortable so Jenna suggested I get on my knees. Ass in the air I turned to my husband and we breathed through each contraction. At one point I actually told him to stop breathing because he was making me cold (poor man). A few minutes later my mom came in. The only words I could say to her were, "Turn that camera OFF". I was not in the mood to have this documented.

Just moments later, I could feel the increasing pressure and knew this baby was about to come out. Jenna and Suzanne were so calm and soothing, even though I was letting out freakish man-sized grunts. One of these yells actually woke Bryson up, who was sleeping in his room. He knocked on the door just as Nolan slide right out of me and into the tub. It was magical. I turned over and grabbed my baby boy up from under the water. I couldn't believe it was over. After less then 2 hours of active labor Nolan Steele Walsh was in my arms and he was perfect.

My friend Dee arrived a few minutes later and couldn't believe she had missed the whole thing. Brian went to comfort Bryson and brought him into meet his baby brother. My mom woke up Tyler, who thought he was dreaming, and we all soaked in the amazing miracle that had just taken place.

Nolan Steele Walsh

My Momma and Nolan

Big Bro Tyler and Nolan

Daddy and Nolan

Tired Brothers

That's LOVE!

Bryson so excited to be a big brother!

The whole family, day1.

Still Soaking It In From Boyland,

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