Have you ever felt, by becoming a mom, you have lost all traces of the former person you used to be? Have you ever looked in the mirror at your disheveled hair, clothes stained with baby milk, and dark circles and wondered what happened to that savvy, well-manicured, vibrant woman who used to inhabit the person who now knows more about Bubble Guppies then the economic bubble?
Maybe its the fact that we spend a substantial part of our time and energy taking care of laundry, dinners, and car pooling here and there that we forget we were once someone else. Someone more put together, less manic.
I honestly never pictured this as my life. If you would have said to me, "By the time you are 29 you will have 3 kids and be a work-at-home mom" I would have asked you what you were smoking. There was NO WAY I could be in THAT position, doing one of the hardest jobs in the world.
It's funny, before you become a parent there are classes about safety, courses on breast feeding, and tutorials on baby proofing you home. But no one teaches you how to not lose yourself in a the sea of bagged lunches and tummy aches.
There is an epic conflict that resides within me between the perfect mom and the perfect me. I envy women who don't have this dilemma; they seem to glide through motherhood without even a backward glance to the life they once had, or the dreams they have yet to fulfill. For them the dream ends with being a mom.
I, on the other-hand, feel like my aspirations (pre-marriage) are chasing after me like a Rottweiler who just caught sight of a tasty kitty. They taunt me with "what could be" and constantly remind me I will never feel truly be fulfilled until I see them through.
My role as a wife and mother brings me more joy then I ever imagined as a 19 year old, hell bent on not being June Clever. I thought this blog would be a way to fuse together my two worlds; by day an ordinary mom, by night a SUPER blogger. But what happens when that fire you have for something outside your family seems to get farther and farther out of reach, because they become your world?
I'm so much more then what my children see. I have more to give and know I'm meant for something bigger.
Is it selfish to want to pursue your dreams, even if you know it will mean less time with your children?
Unsure from Boyland,
8 COMMENTS:
No! Not selfish! Things you do to make you a more complete, satisfied person can only make you a better mother.
Thanks Melissa. I know what you are saying is true in my brain, but how do you get over the mommny guilt?
Well, you have certainly read my mind! I have always been a bit of a selfish person and always needed "Jillian time" each day and now I feel like I have been smashed into pieces and everyone and everything has gotten a piece of me, except for ME. I used to love my freedom and being able to pick up and go wherever and whenever I wanted and now it is a huge, time consuming task to just get out of the door to go to the store. I feel horrible for saying this but...I miss my old life and my old self! Don't get me wrong, I still have a wonderful life and have more blessing than I can count but I can't help thinking about what used to be. Does that mean I am a bad person and mother?
Jillian
Not selfish at all. We all have dreams beyond our daily duties of child-rearing, cooking, school functions, etc. It's normal and healthy to want to feel fulfilled in many areas. I think part of this comes from the fact that we need mental/cognitive stimulation which you don't really get from household or baby duties. We don't really use our brains for this - we just do it and it doesn't take much thinking or creativity. so we crave that creative or mental kind of stimulation. It's similar to stay at home moms who crave and need adult interaction. Since they generally are mostly with baby or babies, these moms need other moms to talk to and relate to.
im a follower www.mypeacefulreminder.blogspot.com
i could have written your post. lol
I've wanted to respond to this all day! But I tend to get a little long-winded (I'm warning you now lol), so I had to wait until I got some free time.
I totally understand where you're coming from. Around 3 years ago, I had this "quarter-life crisis", questioning my purpose, the whole deal. I acknowledged the fact that I'm a mother and I'm here for my daughter. She gives me purpose and meaning. She's the reason I wake up every morning. But how many women have children!?! How does that make me different or special?
So eventually, I came across a job that I think I'd find very fulfilling outside of being a mother. But now, it'll take years of schooling. And I HAVE to work b/c I'm a single parent. So taking the time to pursue this career is taking time away from my daughter. Working full-time, going to school full-time, and being a full-time parent is a lot of work, and very stressful.
So there are times where I wonder if it's really worth it. But when I think about it, I tell myself: 1) You can't make someone else (your children, husband, etc) happy, if you're not happy. 2) How can you encourage your child to pursue their dreams, if you never went after yours? Of course, I can let her learn from my mistakes, but I think it's better to lead by example. 3) I'd rather take the time to get everything done and out of the way now, while she's young. 4) For me, not knowing (what could have been) is a killer. I would always regret not trying something. 5) Motherly guilt will never go away and it will haunt you in so many ways. If I'm going to feel guilty, I might as well do something worthwhile at the same time.
And as far as looking like a normal human being goes lol, I've never been really stylish. But just before I got pregnant, I was going to the gym 5 days a week, losing weight. I was looking pretty good! But once I had my daughter, I didn't want to take the time away from her to go to the gym. And if I was going to spend the $$$ on a gym membership, I wanted to make the most of it. So joining a gym was not worth it. Then I found I had no energy to exercise at home. So I have no encouraging words for the appearance portion of your concerns. I don't get my hair done as often as I should. And I almost never get my nails done. My clothes are old with holes. I'm a mess! So if you have any advice for me, I'd love to hear it. (I told you this would be long. Sorry!)
Jillian, I know you, so I can say for a fact you are not a bad person or mother. Having your first child is a life changing event. It takes some time to get used to. Even though you don't have as much "you" time I know that you wouldn't trade your daughter for anything. You are also lucky to have an amazing husband. It's so important to hold onto the person that you were. Does that mean you can take a trip or buy an expensive purse on a whim, no. But it does mean that we have to carve out time that we can take care of ourselves.
Nicole- you are a wise woman, and I love your long-windedness, lol. Being a single mom is the hardest job on earth. Even with a supportive husband I can barely find time to take a shower, much less get my hair and nails done. I've come to terms with the external. The internal calling 8is the one that gives me more trouble. I'm in a position (being able to be home with my kids) that many moms working 40, or 50 hours a week would kill for. So I feel bad saying that its not enough. But you are right, if I don't pursue my dreams then I'm telling them that they should give up on theirs. I have to have faith that everything will be ok. Our family has overcome a lot, my kids are great, and I have to believe that whatever I go after will be to better my family.
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