Finding Peace, After Death

My husband bought me flowers today...and a card. Usually such unexpected gifts are because he did something to annoy me and was trying to avoid the icy daggers I'm occasionally guilty of hurling at him. But today was different.

I didn't realize it until he brought it to my attention---tomorrow marks the two year anniversary of the death of my best friend.


I had completely blocked out the fact that it has been over 2 years since I've heard her laugh, seen her smile, or felt the playful punches that I always pretended didn't hurt.

What I'm feeling now, is far worse.

Emily Steele Selvage is...was... not someone I could describe in one blog post, and I'm not just saying that because she was my best friend, or because she is dead. At her funeral, aside from her volunteer fire dept giving her a honorary farewell, there was a line out the door and into the parking lot, with close to 1000 people in attendance, many of whom only knew her for only a week.
                                          

She was THAT kind of person, one that you could never forget after only meeting once. When she floated into a room, all eyes were on her. Not just because she was stunning in a effortless bohemian sort of way, but her energy was intoxicating.

Modeling was one of those things she just did for "fun".

Our paths first crossed over 7 years ago when we were both figuring out who we were destined to be. I was two years older and already had a 4 year old son, yet somehow her eyes told a story of a woman far beyond 20 years of age. It's those hidden stories that would lead to her leave everyone who loved her.

Getting ready together on my wedding day.

Our friendship was like nothing I've EVER experienced. She accepted me for everything I was and encouraged me to see all that I could be. She brought another friend, Diane, into my life and together we became like sisters. Our bond was permanently inked on all of us. Being friends with Em meant when she called you from Florida and asked you to get matching tattoos, you didn't hesitate to say yes.

Me, Diane, and Em

 Though her zest for life and wide-eyed optimism was never lacking, occasionally there would be sadness behind her eyes, buried deep behind things that I will never fully understand. Her emotional highs were out of the stratosphere and her lows sometimes scared me.

A self portrait

 Looking back, I feel like I should have known she had been chasing death. She would go a string of nights drinking, smoking, or doing whatever else was offered. Then would proclaim that she was "cleansing" herself quitting everything from cigarettes to booze.

She was on a merry-go-round; constantly going up and crashing down. I chalked it up to her being who she was because she seemingly was able to juggle her job, friends and family.

Em and Bryson having fun.

Family, (blood and otherwise) was everything to Emily. She looked up to her dad with such admiration and pride. She and her mother's similar personalities often clashed, but was also the glue that made them successful real estate partners. She gushed about her brother and his wife, and took being a aunt to their two little girls very seriously.

In 2008 she even found love for the first time with a US Navy Officer who embodied everything she ever wanted.

You can see why its hard to believe that in 2009 she took her own life.

We are all now left with an empty space in our hearts for a girl whose presence felt like a beautiful dream. I am left with a thousand memories of a girl who has changed my life in more ways then I can count.

So today I honor her. I honor who she was, and who she helped me to be. One day, when he's old enough, I will explain to my infant son that his name, Nolan Steele Walsh, carries the spirit of an amazing and inspiring woman.

I love you Em From Boyland,