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| Baylee, Kristy & Lee on Baylee's birth day. |
Children are a blessing, whether you are fortunate enough to have them naturally or they come to into your life via birth parents. My college roommate, Kristy and her husband Lee, know this all too well. After meeting while working at a luxury resort in Phoenix, they knew they had found someone special. They had their heart set on being parents, but after nearly 3 years of medical intervention they realized creating their own child, biologically, was not in the stars. Instead, 2 years ago they became the parents of a precious little girl named Baylee, who has stolen their heart. What makes their story so inspiring was the choice they made to include Bayelee's teen-age birth-parents in her life. Having an open adoption has it's own set of challenges, but Kristy and her hubby have approached it with an open heart and mind. Here is their story.
Did you always want to be a mother?
Yes, I have always wanted to be a mom. Even as a little girl I was labeled the "little mommy" because I was always looking out for other kids and taking care of my younger cousins. I knew I'd want to start a family if I found the right partner.
What steps did you take to conceive?
Lee and I both wanted to be young parents (and Lee is 6 years older than me) so we decided to start trying as soon as we were married (we weren't NOT trying before then if I'm being honest) ;-). After a year and a half we figured something must not be right. My cycle was always like clockwork and I was so young (25 when we got married) that it seemed weird that it didn't just happen...but I had this nagging feeling that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. It was like I had already watched this part of my life and already knew the answer...but it didn't stop me from trying.
They always test the guy first so Lee did his thing and we found him to be fine, so we proceeded to an Reproductive Endocrinologist in December. We did some preliminary testing...they have an order to things, first step was to make sure my uterus and tubes were clear, than they coupled a dose of Clomid (a very standard fertility drug) with several days of blood tests to monitor my hormone levels and response to the drug. During this cycle we did our first IUI (Inter Uterine Insemination). I had high FSH levels which indicated "advanced maternal age". At this point I was 27 and found out I had the reproductive system of someone in their 40's. We were told our best bet would be IVF (InVitro Fertilization). Since I was already on my second round of drugs, we did a second IUI and when that failed we decided to move forward with IVF.
The process takes a few months to prepare your body for, so we didn't start until the end of July. This included giving myself shots in the stomach, and all the side effects of pumping yourself full of pregnancy hormones. We were blessed with five "babies" but none of them thought my uterus was homey enough and did not make it into this world. We were devastated of course. Being all hormonal certainly doesn't help with dealing with this loss. We were emotionally, physically and financially drained and at the end of the day all we wanted was to be parents.
After how long did you realize that weren't able to conceive?
It was about 2 1/2 years after we started trying. We spent another 6 months on fertility treatments.
What emotional effect did that have on you?
I certainly mourned the loss of not being able to be pregnant. I felt like I had let Lee down (although he NEVER made me feel that way and was by my side and supportive through everything- a lot of times infertility can really strain a marriage, but Lee and I were some of the lucky ones that grew even stronger). A lot of women that go through infertility share feelings of hatred toward pregnant women... but I can honestly say I never "hated" women who were pregnant. I always loved (still do) seeing a pregnant woman, I think it's just incredible. But I did have feelings of "why not me? Why is it so easy for everyone else?" When you are in that position of not being able to conceive, you really have to desensitize yourself to people's unintentional hurtful comments; such as, "why don't you have kids yet?", "you're so lucky at least you won't get fat", etc...
Why did you decide on adoption?
Lee and I were never opposed to adoption, but we also knew that it wasn't an “easy” process. After our failed IVF we had met with a new doctor and were actually thinking about trying again, but we were praying over it for a few months and searched our hearts and just knew that our quest shouldn't be and wasn't about getting pregnant, it was about starting a family and bringing a child into our lives. One day in October we just looked at each other and said "let’s adopt", and from there we started educating ourselves on the options and moving forward.
How did you find Baylee's birth parents?
We did our interviews, adoption classes, home study and certification with Catholic Charities. Baylee's birth parents were given our profile (among about 15 others) and chose to do a match meeting with us.
Did you have an immediate connection to them?
I can honestly say that we did! Actually, just hearing their story made me feel connected to them. When our social worker called me to tell us that they had requested a meeting with us, she told us about them and I just felt in my heart that we were meant to be in each other's lives. Even if they decided to parent, I knew life was bringing us together for a reason. When we met them in person and started talking we just loved them. We talked easily and we spent the next month and half before Bay was born hanging out and getting to know each other.
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| Baylee & her Birth-mom |
Did you always plan on having your baby's birth parents involved in her life?
Why did you and Lee decide to have an open adoption?
Even before starting our adoption classes I had read a bunch of different books on adoption and my heart just broke for adoptees that wrote that they felt they were missing a piece of themselves, and didn't feel connected, or they felt guilty asking their parents questions about their birthparents or feeling like they didn't want to hurt their parents but they really wanted to find their birth-family...just to "know". I knew I did not want my child to go through this. It was clear to me that I was going to give my child (at age appropriate terms) the answers to their questions and support them in every way I knew how so that they never had to wonder. We didn't know how open our relationship would be until we met Bay's birth-parents and realized that they would be our family, but we knew we wanted some level of openness.
Why was it important to have the birth parents and extended family as a part of your daughter's life?
For me it's a way for her to know that she was loved right from the start. Her birthparents didn't make an adoption plan for her because they didn't want her... they made the adoption plan because they loved her more than themselves. As Baylee gets older we will support her as she feels what she is going to feel about the situation...And although she may still feel anger toward them or be upset over their decision (most likely when she hits puberty and decides I'm the worst mom ever), she will always know that they love her. I am not naive to think that all adoption plans are made out of selfless love or even by choice, but I like to believe that almost all are. It's about one or two people putting their child's needs before their own and giving their child the family and life they wish for them, and what people need to realize is that regardless of the circumstances, they break their own hearts to make this decision.
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| Baylee, 2 years old |
Why do you think most adoptive parents are not open to having birth parents involved?
I think we have come a long way in adoption in the last few years regarding openness But I a lot of parents are hesitant because they are scared. Lee and I are very lucky in the relationship we have with Bay's birthparents, we love them and they love us... and there is no competition or question who Bay's parents are. They started calling us her mom and dad right from the start. There are some adoptive mom's I know that have very complicated relationships with their children's birth-mom/parents and it is certainly a relationship that can take a lot of work, understanding and compassion.
Bay's birthparent's background and family life is much different than what Lee and I experienced growing up, so there are times where we have to regroup and have serious chats with Bay's birthparents to ensure they are withholding the value system that we (and ultimately they) have chosen for Baylee. Keeping your child safe should always be a priority and you have to use your judgment and set boundaries even if it is hard at times. I imagine that some adoptive parent/birth parent relationships get strained when these types of discussions happen or even worse when they don't and one of the parties just pulls away without explanation.
How have you explained to Baylee who her bio-parents are?
She's still a little young... but I have used terms like "tummy mommy" and "tummy daddy"(even though that makes no sense). As of now she just knows them by first name. However, I do feel like she knows that they have a special relationship because you can just see it when she is around them. I love seeing her laugh and play with them. She will kiss and hug them and I just know how blessed we all are that we have this relationship together.
What advice would you give to other couples considering adoption?
Be open-minded, but at the same time truly search yourself and know what you can handle. Don't promise anything that you know you can't uphold. Just like there are horror stories for adoptive parents there are horror stories for birth parents as well... adoptive parents who promised to be open and then just disappear. And mostly, be prepared for your heart to open up in ways you never imagined!
What is the most surprising thing you've experienced being a mom?
I don't know if it is surprising but the feeling does overwhelm me sometimes... the feeling of unconditional ultimate love. I just can't imagine loving anyone or anything more than I love my daughter. She is truly my heart and soul.
What has been the most difficult part of your journey?
The uncertainty and loss we experienced trying to get pregnant. Adoption is definitely a process but when we started it felt like a weight was lifted and reflecting on it I would say that everything we did before it was much more difficult than the adoption process.
What, if anything, would you change?
Am I able to say nothing? I know that's annoying but I truly believe everything happens along a course for a reason. I think we need to experience all things albeit painful to appreciate to the fullest the blessings when they come.
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| The Happy Family |
